I don’t know what it is about me that makes people feel they can comment on everything I wear, say, and do. I never make comments about other people, unless it’s complimentary—”I love your shoes!” “Your hair looks great!”—and believe me, I think many things that are not complimentary. Many, many things. In my head, I’m Heidi Klum and this is an episode of Project Runway. Everyone I meet gets a makeover—hair, makeup, clothes. Okay, maybe it’s more like What Not to Wear, but I’m still Heidi Klum.
But I never actually offer any of these opinions. Even if someone were to ask me what I think (and they don’t), I would lie. Okay, there was one time, when a friend asked me about her curly hair, and I made the mistake of saying I thought it would look better shorter, in order to be, you know, curlier, and she gave me That Look, the one that means: Eat shit and die. “My husband,” she told me, “likes long hair.” To which I replied (in my head), “And my husband likes g-strings and body glitter. In what universe do you ask a straight man for fashion advice?”
Anyway. So I keep my opinions to myself. Why can’t other people do the same? The overweight admin who wears tennis shoes to work told me my Stuart Weitzman’s were ruining my feet. Eat shit and die. The woman who wears outfits to work I wouldn’t step out of my house in, not even to walk the dog, thinks it’s funny I wear pantyhose with a business suit. Eat shit and die. The grouchy old man who won’t shut up about how terrible his life is, told me I should talk more. Roll around in that shit before, you know, you eat it and then die.
But I only say these things in my head. Maybe someday they’ll slip out of my mouth, out into the world, at which point people will offer me this astute opinion: “You’re such a bitch!” Without any sense of hypocrisy. Maybe one day I’ll be ready to take on my new name, my new (if you will) nom de guerre. But as it says in the New Testament: “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will render an account for every careless word they speak.” (Matthew 12:36) Oh yes, I just went Biblical on you. In my head.